Paar nädalat tagasi sattusin vaatama ühte filmi. Film näitas mingit pikamaa-matkamist Yukoni talves. Filmi keskmes oli üks sportlane, kes oli saanud aasta tagasi ajutrauma ja see oli tema esimene retk peale traumat. Sportlast saatsid kaks arsti. Nad jälgisid, et sportlane saaks endaga hakkama ja ei annaks nõks enne lõppu alla. Ühel hetkel ütles üks neist midagi, mis minu mõtet haaras ja sinna kinni jäi. Mõte oli umbes selline, et kui inimene hakkab hulluks minema, siis ta ise arvab, et tema on normaalne ja teised ümberringi tunduvad imelikud, ebanormaalsed. Tegelikkus on aga see, et sinu normaalsus kaob ja teiste oma jääb. See on lihtne ja loogiline mõte. Ent miks ta ikkagi minu mõtetesse kinni jäi?

Mulle tundub, et depressiooni korral on kuidagi vastupidi. Mina tunnen ennast mitmetes situatsioonides tõsiselt ebanormaalsena. Ning ka teiste normist kõrvale kalduvad teod on midagi, mida ma kipun tõlgendama normaalsena, etalonina, neile alt üles vaatama. Ma ei suuda enam vahet teha sellel, kas teised on normaalsed või mittenormaalsed. Mina olen see, keda minu aju peab mittenormaalseks. Muidugi ei ole see iga hetk valdav mõte. Ent on hetki, kus  ma tõsiselt kahtlen endas, oma oskustes ja võimetes. Ning see mõjutab seda, mida ma ütlen, mida teen ja mida ma ütlemata ja tegemata jätan. Eriti seda viimast.

Play of thoughts

Couple of weeks ago I happened to watch a documentary about a race in Yukon. In the focus of a film was a sportsman who had had a brain injury about a year ago. This race was his first competition after the injury. Two doctors were accompanying that athlete on his way. They were observing him and counseling him. One of them said something that my brain picked up and got to work. The idea was following: when a person looses his mental health, (s)he thinks that (s)he himself or herself is normal and others around him start acting abnormally. The reality is on the contrary of course. But why this thought got stuck in my mind?

I think that in the case of depression it goes the other way. Me in my depression start to have a feeling, that I’m not normal. I kind of interpret all other people’s actions as normal, even those that are not very  normal. I lose the ability to make a distinction between normal and not normal actions of other people. In that case the only one doing abnormal things is me. It doesn’t happen every second of my days. But it has strong effect on my talks and deeds, especially those that are not getting done.

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